The Family Label

Welcome to the first installment of Sip and Swish, the wine column dedicated to dispelling myths about wine, as well as the insecurities of people who want to enjoy it in polite society without feeling like ignorant burkes. Soon you too will be able to put on airs at dinner parties and make others feel "small". Moohahahaha!

Lesson one: dry vs. sweet. Dry wines are simply wines with little or no sugar content. Sweet wines have a detectable sugar content. There are also varying degrees of semi-dry and semi-sweet which, unfortunately, are almost never noted on the label.

Lesson two: types of wine. There are basically only two different types of dry table wine: red and white. Table wines are so-called because they are meant to be enjoyed with meals.

There are also pink (or blush) wines, but they are generally sweet and more of a stand-alone "social" wine for drinking between meals or at parties.

Champagne or "sparkling wine" is essentially carbonated wine. Some are dry, some are sweet. Dry can be used as table wine.

Americans have become more accustomed to drinking very sweet beverages with meals (such as soft drinks or sugared tea) and so have lost some of the good sense associated with the compatibility between food and drink. That brings us to...

Lesson three: food choice. Some people say there are no rules about which wine to drink with which food. Some people are idiots. Take it from me. Wine should never contrast with the food served with it. So, delicate wine should be paired with delicate food; strong, hearty wine with strong, hearty food; sweet wine with desserts, etc. It's that simple.

Lesson four: varieties and regions. Wine labels are the most intimidating things to a new wine drinker. What on earth is "Merlot" or "Burgundy" or whatever? I will talk more on this later, but basically most American wines are classified by the type of grape used to make it (varietal wine), and most European wines are classified by the region in which the grapes were grown (regional wine).

So, a California red wine made with merlot grapes is called "merlot", while a French wine made with merlot grapes might be called "Bordeaux". (Bordeaux is a famous region of France where merlot grapes grow very well.) Since French and American wines are the most popular, I have provided a list of red grape varieties and their regional equivalents below. There are some exceptions, but you should gain a lot of snob appeal by knowing these.

merlot  = Bordeaux
cabernet-sauvignon = Bordeaux
pinot noir  = Burgundy
gamay = Beaujolais
grenache = Rhone (Chateauneuf-du-Pape)
syrah = Rhone

Climate has everything to do with which grapes grow best in which region. For example: you probably won't ever see a "shiraz" from France, because the shiraz grape grows better in certain portions of California, Australia, and South Africa. Therefore, the wine made from shiraz grapes in those regions tastes better. Also, the French can't afford to make bad wine right now.

The best recommendation I can give is to taste as many different wines as possible to determine what you like best. Please don't spend more than $10 for anything! Most people cannot detect the subtle difference between an $8 bottle of Yellow Tail, and a $70 bottle of Plump Jack. Leave this exercise to rich idiots.

Next: How good wine goes bad and why.

Jason W. Moulder T.E. (Thoroughly Educated) is an expert in wine. He once read the back of a cookbook on the subject, made 5-gallons of home brew, and has also worked part-time at a liquor store. Plus he drinks, oh, lots of the stuff.